HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR CHILD
By Judith Kennedy, Ed.S., Certified School Psychologist

The characteristics of a healthy family include:  Communication, Caring, Clarity, Commitment and Consistency.

This writing deals with the first of those:  communication.  In order for communication to be supportive of the well being of family members, it needs to be direct, open, clear and specific.  Family members talk directly to the person involved and are very clear about what they want to say.  Communication is open, in that there are no taboo subjects, and rules and expectations are stated openly.  Behavior matches what family members say.  In other words, people are congruent with what they say and what they do.  If a family member says he or she will be home at 5:00, that occurs.  If a family member espouses honesty, that is demonstrated with one’s actions.  When people do what they say, trust is build; and trust is a critical component of feeling safe and developing strong character and healthy self regard. 

Communication is based on respect.  Words are spoken, even when firmness is needed, in an even tone.  Everyone has an opportunity to both speak and to be heard.  Children spend their days in classrooms in which most talking time is taken up by instruction from an adult.  There is little opportunity for them to be listened to; and perhaps that is the greatest gift we can give another human being, to be fully listened to.  Research in the 1990’s revealed that it takes an environment in which there were at least 5 positive comments to offset even 1 negative comment for a child to feel safe enough to learn.  We can implement this information at home by creating an environment that is void of harshness and criticism, and creating a home based on respect and caring.

In order for a small child to learn it is safe to have an attachment with an adult, that child needs help from the adult in modulating his/her feelings.  As the child grows, there is still the need for guidance in expressing feelings and the safety that allows feelings to be expressed.  Feelings are a natural part of our human experience.  When a child learns that it is safe to talk about feelings, that child develops a stronger sense of self.

Consider establishing a time daily for you to communicate with your child.  It seems that sitting down together for a meal is largely an activity of the past, but this structure provided an arena for family members to learn how to communicate and to be heard.  It might be well worth the effort for you to implement into your family’s schedules opportunities to share meals with no other distractions.  If that is impossible, consider having even a five-minute conversation with each member of your family every single day.  

As the adult in the home, you have the opportunity to set the tone.  You stand to be richly rewarded if you set a tone of clear and respectful communication.  

• 73 % of Lead-Deadwood and 72% of Spearfish High School students report that parents should clearly communicate with their children about not using alcohol and other drugs.
  
  
• 92% of Spearfish and 84% of Lead-Deadwood High School students report their parents do not allow their children and their children’s friends to drink alcohol at home.
  
  
• 55% of Lead-Deadwood and 51% of Spearfish High School parents have discussed their family rules about alcohol and other drugs with their children in the past twelve months. 

Isn’t it time you joined the majority and discussed your expectations and rules about avoiding use of alcohol and other drugs with your child?

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